Pirates of the Funky Chicken
by Fish-Inton
Summary: Fish and Sauron's day at the movies turns into an insane adventure that turns their world upside down
1. Disclaimer, author's notes and rules for...

Disclaimer and Authors' Note:   
  
This is an Alternate Universe work of fiction in which I own nothing except Fish.   
  
I have permission to include Sauron in this piece and Jack is still drugg- umm... asleep... yeah, he's asleep... as for Alan Rickman... you people are seriously missing out if you don't know who he is! METATRON, BABY, YEAH!   
  
The title is all down to Sauron's eyes playing tricks on her and I feel I should mention her here for both the title and being the sole inspiration for this fiction.  
  
Rules for reading:  
  
1) keep socks on at all times  
  
2) carry a wooden spoon and/or saucepan lid for influential music making  
  
3) howl and cheer when Jack is mentioned and boo loudly when Barbosa says something remotely intelligent.  
  
4) don't take any offence from any of the story and don't take it all too seriously... it's Jack Sparrow... what's there to be serious about?  
  
5) ENJOY IT!  
  
~ Shifter1 ~ 


	2. Introduction to the insane pair

There are often movies people only go to see for their favourite Hollywood Hunks. For Sauron and Fish, this was partly the reason they were at the cinema seeing Pirates of the Caribbean again... the other reason involved lots of rum, traffic cones, Alan Rickman, Johnny Depp and hiding from the police.  
  
So it is in screen four that we find our insane pair, and it is in screen four that their adventure begins...  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
"Quit throwing popcorn, Jack's on screen!" Sauron yelled to the row of popcorn-throwing teens seated behind herself and Fish. Surprisingly, the popcorn ceased raining down around screen four. Sauron hadn't noticed. She was too busy swooning at the sight of Jack Sparrow on the "GIANT CINEMA SCREEN" which makes all things look oh-so-much bigger.  
  
Fish's eyes were glued to the screen, then Barbosa had a close up and the movie was therefore ignored by the two Jack Sparrow loving maniac moviegoers. Fish's eyes suddenly lit up as an idea struck her... a devious and insane idea that Sauron would no doubt go along with.  
  
"Wouldn't it be weird if we jumped into the screen and ended up on the Black Pearl?" she suggested to Sauron.  
  
"I'm sure we'd try it if there weren't this many people in here." was the reply from Sauron who had been drooling over Jack all day.  
  
"No time like the present!" Fish exclaimed in a whisper so as not to disturb the audience around them. Thankful they were sitting by the aisle, Fish rose from her seat and proceeded to do a tipsy sort of mutated Jack Sparrow Gnome walk down to the large screen which was still not full of a Johnny Depp close up.  
  
Sauron followed Fish, aware that however mad her insane ideas were, they usually worked to their advantage.  
  
"Fish, stop now before you... umm..." Sauron paused to consider exactly WHAT might happen if Fish did whatever she was about to do to put her plan into action. Fish however, was not listening to a word Sauron was saying, she grabbed her friend who was still thinking and dragged her through the cinema screen.  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
"Ooh, it's still warm." Captain Barbosa, who had an uncanny resemblance to Geoffrey Rush, said to his crew and threw a burgundy dress, previously worn by Elizabeth Swan, into the crowd of Pirates.  
  
"Barbosa, you lying bastard, you swore they'd go free!" William Turner, who looked like Orlando Bloom (just add the green tights and the blonde hair... heh... DRAG! God I hate that man!), fought against the Pirates and his bonds to try and get to Elizabeth or Barbosa... where his heart lies is not the point in this tale.  
  
"Don't dare impugn my honour, boy, it was-" but something landed on Barbosa, cutting his words off as the something hit the ground with a rather audible 'oof'. The something had also somehow managed to trip Will Turner and hit the plank at the same time causing both Miss Swan and Mr Turner to fall off the ship into a swirling black hole which swallowed them up and spat out a rather disgruntled looking Sauron on to the deck of the Black Pearl. Barbosa got to his feet, as did the something that landed on him which was actually a someone... Fish! Sauron, still fuming, grabbed Fish and dragged her to a corner.  
  
"What the hell was that and where are we?!" she questioned her friend who had the insane idea of running through screen four as they had just done... it wasn't actually supposed to work!   
  
"In the movie and- oh, look! JACK!" Fish called and waved at Jack Sparrow who was literally tied up in a previous engagement that Barbosa attended to immediately, after giving a few orders regarding the two newcomers. Jack gave a little smile before returning to his attempts of escape which were ultimately futile. Sauron was melting on the spot.  
  
"Mmmmmmm... superflex... ruuuuuuler... Jack and-" Fish clamped a hand over Sauron's mouth to silence her dreamy fantasy commentating, which would undoubtedly involve spandex and a certain Pirate... again.  
  
"Captain Barbosa, we would like to-"  
  
"No." The fearsome Captain silenced Fish.  
  
"How uncouth." Fish stated, glaring at Barbosa.  
  
"Tie 'em up and send 'em off with Jack." he commanded. Sauron returned to the real world feeling less violent and looked around in confusion and partial excitement.  
  
"Tied up... with Jack? Me first, me first!" Sauron leaped around waving her arms in an attempt to be noticed. Barbosa ignored her. There was a loud crashing noise and the rain began to pour.  
  
"A storm... PERFECT!" Fish yelled above the noise, voice loaded with sarcasm. Barbosa looked rather disappointed. There came a flash of lightning. "GAGH!" Fish yelped and hid behind Barbosa, clinging to the large feather in his hat for dear life.  
  
"Do ye not like storms, Missy?" he queried.  
  
"Yup, love 'em!" Fish nodded in a hyper sort of state.  
  
"Then why cling to my person like some diseased leech? And would you let go of my hat?!"  
  
"I LIKE YOUR HAT! And I wanted to know what superglue you use to keep the hat on!" Fish yelled back as another flash of lightning illuminated the darkened skies. "Can we go indoors?" Barbosa sighed and stalked off to his quarters, Fish grabbed the soaked looking monkey and began stalking the evil Captain.  
  
"Jack!" Sauron squealed in glee as she approached the scared looking Pirate.  
  
"Hello." he said rather nervously.  
  
"HEY!" she yelled at a member of the crew who grabbed her - he had an abnormally large eye... on closer inspection, Sauron noted it was made of wood... the Pirate dragged her, kicking and screaming, down to the brig in the bowels of the Pearl, where there was apparently a leak... or so Jack had observed, from the cell next door.  
  
"Sooo... Jack, do you like Elizabeth?"  
  
"She's a nice girl."  
  
"I meant do you LIKE her?"  
  
"Not like that."  
  
"What about Will?"  
  
"Does the fact that he's gay really mean that he's gay with ME? Does it mean that I'M gay?! He's much more interested in that Norrington... though I suspect he might have set his sights on Barbosa, but the 'Captain' is as straight as one gets... so it's not all as it seems." Jack explained, his voice going all odd and gruff.  
  
"You're so sweet!" Sauron cooed at him.  
  
"Many thanks for the compliment, Love." Sparrow replied, putting his hands together in a gesture of praise and thanks. Sauron nearly melted into a puddle on the floor right there in her cell when he called her 'Love'... but she found it physically impossible, so she just settled for swooning at him, ignoring the Pirate with the big eye who was watching them. To Sauron's left was the rest of Sparrow's 'able bodied crew' including Anamaria and Mr Gibbs - they were all asleep... unless it's normal to snore when awake.  
  
Fish opened the door to Barbosa's quarters quietly and tiptoed in, closing the door with a slight click, which was muffled by sounds of the storm from outside that was still raging in all its ferocity. Barbosa looked quite content where he was... even though he was actually dead. Fish knew what was going to happen to Barbosa and EVERYBODY in the entire movie... but she wouldn't tell them. The monkey hopped off of Fish' shoulder and scampered over to Barbosa. Fish began to prowl like a big cat... behind the sofa like thing she crouched, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.  
  
With a war-cry that would make any warrior proud, Sauron threw herself against the bars between her cell and Jack's for the seventh time with extreme force. Her attempt at getting to HER Pirate, however, was unsuccessful. Sulking, Sauron retreated to the dark corner of her cell and did more sulking and moping.  
  
Fish all sense of stealth and lunged for the fruit bowl full of green apples.  
  
"Green apples!" she sang madly. Barbosa did not look all too pleased with her sudden moment of madness. Suddenly, as if possessed, Fish stabbed a fork into one of the apples, impaling it on the silver tableware, a psychotic glow in her amber eyes. Fish began to dance around the cosy room like a headless chicken that had just figured out it was going to be made into a burger. Barbosa rolled his eyes in a theatrical fashion and crossed the room from his hiding place to Fish, sword drawn and pointed threateningly at the uninvited and unwelcome guest. Fish stopped her insane dancing when she saw Barbosa, instead she saluted stupidly at the fearsome Pirate.  
  
"Cannibalistic Fish at your service, Sire!" she mock worshipped him in the 'we-are-not-worthy' style.  
  
"To your feet!" he commanded sternly - Fish complied for some reason unexplained.  
  
"Anything for you, almighty Overlord of the seas!" she praised the Captain again.  
  
Barbosa observed the girl befroe him who clearly had more than a few screws loose in the works - she would have to be restrained somehow and left at the next port of call, he decided. The Captain called to one of the Pirates outside where the cursed men were attempting to sail through the storm, but to no avail. A Pirate with black teeth and a small patch of hair on the top of his head entered the Captains quarters.  
  
"Lock her up in the brig." Barbosa ordered. "But make sure she doesn't mix with the others - she's too big an influence for them, they might become unruly and violent." The Captain added - he was not a stupid man.  
  
"ME?! A BRIG?! No Siree! Psh.. yah, like you'd lock ME in a brig... ha! Pull the other one!" Fish laughed heartily at the Captain. The other Pirate was hesitating a little.  
  
"You heard me... take her to the brig!"  
  
"Aye, Sir!" And Fish was dragged kicking and biting away from Barbosa, out into the storm and down to the brig where Sauron was still sulking in the corner of her cell. Jack watched Fish as she was dragged along.  
  
"You know, this is very homely - a splash of colour wouldn't be too bad though... a nice rustic torture chamber, that's what you need!"  
  
"Shut up!" The Pirate ordered and tied her up to the mast.  
  
"I was wondering... if Mr Turner and his little friend are gone, how do you suppose Barbosa will lift the curse?"  
  
He said nothing, only snorted and left, returning to his duties up on deck where the savage storm tore mercilessly at the ship.  
  
"You know, we could do with a dog and a set of keys right about now..." Jack said breezily.  
  
"Don't make her hyper." Sauron mumbled.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because," she began, "she will conjure up some sort of insane objet and start worshipping it... which is just odd... that or she'll start rambling about refrigirators... and that's how it goes."  
  
"Re-frig-ir-a...tor?" Captain Sparrow pronounced carefully, not knowing what a refrigirator actually was.  
  
"Chocolate pudding, does anyone want this last chocolate pudding? I have just one chocolate pudding left, it's only pulled away from the side of the dish about three inches all the way round." Fish began, acting as though she was actually auctioning a chocolate pudding. "And there's a huge fault running through the centre of the pudding. Actually it's nothing but a ball of skin at this point." She continued. "Does anyone want a ball of fault ridden chocolate pudding skin?"  
  
Jack Sparrow was rolling around his cell floor in stitches, Sauron looked on in horror, certain he was having some sort of seizure. Fish suddenly dropped to her knees in front of the cell door and began chewing on the bars madly, as if she really did think she could chew her way out of there. Sauron laughed this time. Jack stood up finally and went back to his corner, but something had fallen out of his pocket in the process of rolling, that something slid across the wet floor to Sauron - she picked it up.  
  
"This is beautiful!" she exclaimed, looking up at Jack, whos eyes appeared to be tearing up quite a bit. He sniffed. "Do you want it back?" A nod from the Pirate she oh-so-adored. Sauron held it through the bars of her cage to him and he took it, both noting the electricity between them when their fingers brushed briefly. Jack went back to his corner and curled up, studying the necklace Sauron had returned to him... it was the one possession he had kept since that fateful night - he had never told anybody about it.  
  
Fish had apparently given up her battle against the bars and gone to sleep, as was evident from her heavy breathing and lack of movement, which was odd for a Fish such as she. Sauron was thinking in the corner, wondering exactly what was so special to Jack Sparrow that could possibly cause him to get all emotional like he was. Jack was just dropping off to sleep in his corner, only to be haunted by dreams of his troubled past in the days before the Black Pearl altered his lifestyle.  
  
As always, tomorrow was a new day for each of them... 


	3. Mutiny, marooning and RUM!

Sauron awoke in the foetal position she had fallen asleep in. Hearing nothing but the crews consistent snoring the cell across from her, she decided to look around. Sauron looked over to Fish and detected no movement whatsoever... maybe she was dead. Sauron moved slightly to see what Jack Sparrow's current status was. He seemed to be in a dangerously deep sleep... maybe he was in a coma. Sauron shook herself from the morbid thoughts she was having about Jack and comas - it was time to get up.  
  
Giving a decidedly humungous yawn that would undoubtedly have scared a lion, Fish stretched and fidgeted slightly where she lay on the floor. It was Thursday... or was it Wednesday? No, it was Sunday... though it might have been Tuesday. Fish shrugged to herself and pushed the thoughts out of her mind and out of her head via her ear - a simple disposal system for any intellectual questions or theories or ramblings that decided to pop into her head in the mornings. At least her clothes were dry now.  
  
Jack had not slept very well at all. He had awoken in a cold sweat several times during the night, the scream wanting to escape his lips never actually vocalised. She had invaded his dreams again. She had pointed at him, pointed her accusing finger at him as if it was his fault. She still blamed him. He knew that he could have done nothing for her. It was not his fault. Jack had stayed awake, afraid to surrender to sleep. Eventually, he had fallen into a dangerously deep sleep. It was a sleep so deep that not even she could haunt his precious moment of total silence and vulnerability.  
  
Sauron heard Fish's fidgety movements and decided it was time to face the new day. Suddenly, Jack's eyes violently snapped open and he was standing it the middle of his cell, breathing heavily, stood in a fighting stance. Sauron stared at him deep in thought - what was making Jack act so strangely? What was he hiding? What was so special about the necklace?  
  
Whilst Sauron pondered, Fish threw bits of straw from the floor at the crew in the other cell - still they snored.  
  
"Why won't they wake up?!" Fish whispered to Sauron.  
  
"Snore back!" Sauron suggested - Fish did just that - Jack stared at the two teenagers, honestly afraid of the one he could only guess was called Fish and the other seemed to be crazy in a completely subtle sense... though the subtlety would no doubt dissipate somewhat when Barbosa was finished with them.  
  
Speak of the devil...   
  
"Bring 'em." The Captain commanded sternly, startling the half asleep Pirate with the wooden eye. He threw the keys at him and pointed to the cells holding Fish, Sauron and Captain Sparrow.  
  
"Barbosa, I want my hat back!" Jack called after him, only to be replied with a soft snort of laughter from upstairs which sounded through the brig like a haunting melody. Jack was sure he was going insane.  
  
"Awww... it's okay, Jack... I'll buy you a new one!" Sauron reassured him.  
  
"But I like my hat!" Jack whined pathetically.  
  
"Fine, we'll get you your old hat back..." Sauron promised the Captain who clearly missed his hat.  
  
"I want a hat! LIKE BARBOSAAAAAAAA!" Fish sang and proceeded to hop and skip around her cell which was rather small... so she was pretty much skipping and hopping on the spot. Once again, Jack eyed her suspiciously.  
  
"Is your friend alright, love?" He queried, "She just seems a bit-" an impression of Fish performed by the infamous Jack Sparrow "you know what I mean?"  
  
"I know EXACTLY what you mean and yes, always like this, twenty-four seven... believe me, I know." Sauron replied, smiling at him. He returned the smile. A thought suddenly entered her mind...   
  
Superflex and DOUBLE CREAM!   
  
Sauron pushed the thought away, knowing that she did not want Jack to see her violent... well, not there anyway. Perhaps she would show him on a desert island somewhere... where they could both swim around in the sea and kiss and giggle and and... but, once again, the thoughts were halted in that particular area of her mind - now was not the time, not to say that there never would be a time for thoughts such as these.  
  
The same Pirate with the wooden eye accompanied by the studded black guy who looked like he was going to start rapping madly about Green Apples, watched by Barbosa, escorted the three out of the brig to the deck - hands tied behind their backs - facing the plank.  
  
"Ooh! This is the bit of the movie where we all jump into the water off the giant spring board and turn into GIANT SEA TURTLES!" Fish looked at Captain Barbosa with hopeful eyes.  
  
"Aye, Sea Turtles." Barbosa said sarcastically, how he actually managed to load such an excessive amount of sarcasm into the three words was anybody's guess... he just did. Fish thought about it though, which was a real danger to her health, so she decided to drop the subject and give her overworked brain a rest.  
  
"Jack, don't forget me." Sauron sidled up to Jack and rested her head on his shoulder.  
  
"Forget you?! Can you not swim, Love?" Sparrow queried with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah, but-"  
  
"No buts about it... swim to shore, follow me."  
  
"Okay!" she grinned at him, he grinned back - it was beginning.  
  
Fish hopped around and off the side of the ship, landing in the sea and swimming off.  
  
"That was quick." Sauron observed.  
  
"You next!" Barbosa pointed to Sauron and the guy with the wooden eye pushed her towards the plank.   
  
"See you there, Jack." she said and bounced off the board, diving into the sea and swimming off, checking as she swam that she hadn't actually turned into a Giant Sea Turtle. She hadn't... how spiffing... though she was a little curious as to what it would be like being a Giant sea Turtle. Jack could rope her anytime... once again the thoughts returned and as she swam, Sauron slapped herself. There was a time and a place for those sorts of things... and being a Sea Turtle was most definitely NOT in her future plans, nor was drowning because she'd knocked herself unconscious with a slap. so, with admirable restraint, Sauron concentrated on non-violent thoughts like juggling chainsaws and continued to swim.  
  
Jack turned around at the foot of the plank.  
  
"I had rather hoped we were beyond all this."  
  
"Jack." Barbosa put an arm around Jack's shoulder. "Jack... did ye not realise that's the little island we made ye governor of on our last little trip."  
  
"I did notice." Jack replied. Barbosa drew his sword.  
  
"Off you go."  
  
"What about Turner?"  
  
"There are other ways... I'm just waiting for the opportune moment to present itself unto me and the crew!" Barbosa explained.  
  
"Plagiarist." Jack mumbled to himself. "Last time you gave me a pistol with one shot."  
  
"By the powers, you're right! Where be Jack's pistol?"  
  
"Since there are three of us, a gentleman would give us a pair of pistols."  
  
"It'll be one pistol as before. You can be the gentleman and shoot the annoying Fish-brat and starve with your little friend." And overboard went the pistol, Jack following a couple of seconds later. It was, Jack admitted, a totally thoughtless act. He reached the pistol and swam to shore, working on his bonds all the time and thinking of how exactly he could get off the island this time... surely the Rum Runners would not settle for a pistol with just one shot and his bandanna as payment for all three to get off the island. He would undoubtedly die of boredom or claustrophobia... he always felt trapped on land... the sea and the Black Pearl were his freedom and would always remain so.  
  
Fish and Sauron staggered up the beach, sloshing water all over the white sands as they went, shoes squelching with their socks. Fish's baggy jeans were heavier than before. Somehow, whilst swimming, fish had managed to untie her hands and proceeded to untie Sauron.  
  
A couple of minutes later, Jack was safe on shore, throwing the rope that held his hands aside. Fish grabbed the pistol and looked down the barrel, index finger on the trigger.  
  
"NO!" Jack yelled at her and grabbed the pistol back.  
  
"Fine!" Fish crossed her arms across her chest and sulked where she stood.  
  
"Are you okay, Jack?" Sauron put her hand on his arm.  
  
"I'll be fine, Love. Say, what' your name?"   
  
"Heh... Sauron."  
  
"No it's not! It's Charlotte!" Fish yelled, earning herself a death glare from Char- umm... Sauron.  
  
"Charlotte... is that so? I knew somebody called Charlotte once upon a time. It's a sweet name." He subconsciously laced his fingers with hers.  
  
"Beats SMITHY!" Fish sang in the background, bringing the pair out of their daydreams.  
  
"Heh, yeah well... that was just a... umm-"  
  
"Yeah, yeah..." Fish cut him off mid-explanation, "I believe you!" she said, sarcasm packed into her voice... but not as much as Barbosa. Fish's stomach growled rather loudly. She hushed it. "I'm hungry." A growl. "Fine, WE'RE hungry." Silence. "Is there anything more than coconuts that I can-" another growl "WE can eat? OR DRINK?!" Fish queried. Having seen the movie so many times before, she knew all too well what else there was to drink.  
  
"C'mon, Jack, the Rum Runners aren't likely to be back for it." Sauron rubbed his arm slowly.   
  
"Alright. But no funny business."  
  
"Who? ME?! Never..." Sauron assured him, a devious plan forming in her head.  
  
"Rum ahoy!" Fish exclaimed having already found the Rum... well, she fell through the trapdoor entrance, but she still found it. She emerged, covered in sand, clothes slowly drying and dry fluff haired from lack of hair gel, clutching three bottles of Rum.  
  
"Welcome to the Caribbean, ladies!" Jack said and took the proffered bottle of Rum from Fish, uncorked it and took a swig. "Excellent year." He stated.  
  
"Ooh! Sauron wants some!" Sauron ran over to Fish, got her own bottle and began to drink as much as Jack was.  
  
"Here's to the endless summer that is this island!" Fish toasted, joined on the sand by Jack, Sauron clinging to him. They drank Rum, exchanged Pirate related jokes, drank Rum, cursed Barbosa and his crew several times in all different languages, drank more Rum, hugged palm trees, drank some Rum, built a fire in seven hours, drank Rum, danced around the fire singing 'A Pirate's Life For Me', drank Rum and finally collapsed on the sand still drinking Rum.  
  
Jack and Sauron, both completely drunk, gazed at each other longingly, lust in their eyes. Their faces drew nearer, Jack began to close the space between their bodies and lips when, all of a sudden, Sauron lost consciousness. Jack followed suit after a few curse words had escaped his lips. Fish had been watching all the time and was glad when they didn't continue their... actions. She stood, stretched and decided to go on a walk around the island, her watch informed her it was roughly eight o'clock in the evening. Assuming that it would get really dark in a few more hours, Fish set out on her walk at a leisurely pace, strolling along the pure sands of the beautiful beach and admiring the scenery. Then the entire mood was spoiled completely by the snapping of a twig in the dense forest like area. Fish's head snapped around and she went from Careless-Walking-Fish to Stealth-Warrior-Fish.  
  
Stealth-Warrior-Fish cautiously entered the forest and sniffed the air, her eyes darting around scanning the area for any form of life. Fish thought the sound might have just been made by a tiny caterpillar crawling across an unbelievably weak twig... that or the caterpillar was of an elephantine size. Shuddering at the thought of being devoured by a giant caterpillar, Fish pressed on. Another snap to her right, she turned left, then right, realising she really needed to revise her sense of direction. Another snap and a gasp - her prey was close and they knew she was coming. Fish leapt expertly around the forest silently, seh could smell her prey's aftershave but could not see them... wait... aftershave?! Fish was so shocked that she ended up leaping straight on to the back of her 'prey', nostrils filling with the scent of the expensive aftershave. With a couple more sniffs she figured out that she was in fact clinging to none other than... ALAN RICKMAN!  
  
"Good morning, Sevvie-kins... erm... I mean... Alan..." she covered his eyes. "GUESS WHO!"  
  
"Umm... my stalker?"  
  
"Darn!" Fish hopped off his back and trudged back the way she came, grabbed her bottle of Rum which was still half full and trudged back to where Alan Rickman still stood. "It was a lucky guess... that's all."  
  
"Rum?"  
  
"And? What about the bottle of stuff that is SO OBVIOUSLY RUM that I'm clinging to?!" Fish yelled then cleared her throat. "I mean, yes, this is Rum and this is a beach and that is a twig and-"  
  
Who are you?  
  
"Who am I? WHO AM I?! I am Fish - the one with an entire fridge covered in pictures of YOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!" she sang again and began acting like an aeroplane, making whooshing noises as she circled him.  
  
"Right." Alone. Afraid. And now more freaked out that EVER, Alan Rickman ran... very fast... away from Fish.  
  
"Hey!" Fish stopped her aeroplane impression when she finally realised he was gone. "Was it something I said?" and she stalked off after him with her bottle of unfinished Rum, which was finished within the next five minutes.   
  
Jack and Sauron were still unconscious on the beach. Alan Rickman dodged them in the darkness and ran off into his hiding place. Fish, running blindly in the dark, ran after the actor and tripped over Jack and Sauron, getting a mouthful of sand. Spitting sand, coughing and spluttering and pulling seaweed from her fluffy hair, Fish continued her search for Mr Rickman... she had no doubt that she would find him before morning came. Her glow in the dark watch told her it was now eleven o'clock.  
  
Being drunk, Jack had no thoughts of her in his dreams... but Sauron, or should he take a chance and call her Charlotte? she was there now... and so was his nightmare... the nightmare stole Charlotte from him... no matter how hard he tried, he could not move... if only he could just reach the knife in his pocket that Barbosa had never found, he could free himself from whatever bonds held him and-  
  
Jack rolled over on to Sauron, startling her out of her sleep, holding a knife to her throat. Their breath stank of the Rum they had previously drank. The pair were breathing heavily as they attempted to comprehend exactly what they were doing in their current position on the beach. Before Jack could stop himself and before Sauron could come up with anything witty and intelligent to say, such as 'POSSUUUUUM!', the Pirate had captured her lips with his.  
  
Sauron had never thought his lips would be so soft, the kiss ended as they both stopped for air... then they did it again, this time, their tongues decided to join in. Tongues dancing a dance of passion, the taste of Rum still lingering in their mouths, the pair became intoxicated with each other, just settling for the snogging - it was enough... for now. Besides, there was too many people on the island... one person whom Jack had known for a long time... one person who shared the same troubled past as he. 


	4. Sea, sand and exploding Rum?

"YEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" The blur that we can only assume is Alan Rickman yelled as he ran, very fast, away from Fish. They had run around the island several times now, the pursuer and the pursued. Rickman realised that there was an odd silence behind him... there was a definite absence of something, he paused to recall what it was... ah, yes, Fish's constant yelling of 'Sevvie-kins!' as she ran... did that mean she wasn't chasing him anymore? Alan did not trust the silence or the darkness of the island - so he used the light function on his watch to see where he was going... though it was admittedly pretty useless, as was proved when he fell over a twig... a HARMLESS and FRAGILE TINY LITTLE WEAK TWIG! (Teehee! umm... I mean... indeed!)  
  
Fish had indeed ceased her stalking of Mr Rickman for now - a sudden urge to sleep upside down had overcome all previous urges (i.e.: the urge to hunt said actor) and so she had found a suitable tree and hung upside down from it, soon succumbing to a new urge: sleep.   
  
Sauron and Jack had fallen asleep mid-snog and so, quite naturally, Sauron was rather shocked to wake up not being able to yawn or stretch because of the Pirates mouth and weight. It was a most uncomfortable situation - not that she objected too much. Then there was a thud and a muffled sort of yelp, as if whoever had fallen had somehow gotten their face rammed in the floor. It was Fish - she had indeed managed to ram her face into the floor by falling off of the branch she was hanging from when trying to stretch her legs as she does every morning before getting up... or down, in this case.  
  
"ARGH!" She cried out when she managed to pull her face from the sandy floor, spluttering sand every which way possible.  
  
"Fish?!" Sauron raised her left eyebrow at the sight of the fluffy-haired sand-covered Fish who had a red face due to hanging upside down for so long.  
  
Alan Rickman decided to stagger into the scene then and, though he had missed it the first time, tripped straight over Jack's leg, hit the sandy floor and got a mouthful of sand.  
  
"Why do you mock me, cruel fate?" He muttered under his breath.  
  
"Iunno... what're you asking me for? And Fate certainly won't tell you anytime soon..."  
  
"ARGH!" Alan growled and stalked off into the forest area again for some 'alone-time'... Fish wondered if her was going to attempt to capture the huge caterpillar that Fish had thought made the noise in the forest. If he was, he'd undoubtedly need help - Fish followed.  
  
"Colonel Brandon?" Sauron mumbled to herself after the oddly familiar man and Fish had run off again, one yelling in fear and the other in... well, madness.  
  
Jack awoke approximately thirty seconds after Fish was out of sight. What a coincidence. He pulled Sauron down to his level on the sandy beach and gave her a quick peck on the lips.   
  
"Hungry, Love?" Jack queried, the last few cobwebs of sleep disappearing from his voice.  
  
"Maybe." She smiled at him boldly.  
  
"Vixen." He whispered before pulling her with him as he stood and led her off to the trees to go and 'find food'... apparently.  
  
"Severus, listen to me, you do not want to blow the Rum up... Rum is good... step away from the Rum."  
  
"My name is... Neo... I mean Alan!" The poor confused actor informed Fish, who was desperately attempting to persuade Alan NOT to make the Rum blow up.  
  
"Fine... Alan... I'm going to go away and count to five hundred... if the Rum dies, so do you."   
  
"Ooh, scary!"  
  
"I know! It's okay... I mean, SO GOOD!" Fish said in a high and girly voice... which was odd for her.  
  
"Three, Two..." The last match he had saved drew nearer to the Rum.  
  
"I'm gone!" And she was - to the other side of the island.  
  
"Colonel Brandon!" Just as Alan Rickman was about to dispose of the lit match, a rather dishevelled and satisfied looking Sauron poked him in the back, startling him which caused him to drop the match on to the Rum stash...  
  
BOOM!  
  
Fish came sprinting back from the other side of the island, collided with Jack and knocked herself out via a falling coconut. Jack ran over to the flames that mercilessly devoured the Rum stash.  
  
"What're you doing?! You burnt all the food, the shade... the RUM!" Jack dropped dramatically to his knees.  
  
"Blame it on him!" Sauron pointed at Alan who pointed back at her immediately.  
  
"But why is the Rum gone?" Still the two stood mute, pointing at each other, knowing that they had both contributed to the current state of the Rum.   
  
Fish, having regained consciousness, staggered over to the fire and pulled something that could just about be identified as a soggy and sand-covered marshmallow. Skewering it on a nearby twig, Fish began to toast the marshmallow.  
  
"Mmmmmm..." she rolled her eyes in pleasure as she devoured the illicit treat - Sauron NEVER let her eat marshmallows or play with fire, she didn't know why. Meanwhile, Jack was still of his knees, shuffling towards Fish and the fire. Suddenly, another casket of Rum exploded, sending both Captain Sparrow and Fish flying through the air and into a palm tree. Sauron and Alan ran over to the palm tree and looked up at Jack - they pointed at each other again.  
  
"Just get us down!" Jack growled down at them in his gruff voice. Rickman and Sauron glared at each other. Sauron's eyes flashed dangerously at Alan and he guessed what she was going to do... he liked the idea! Sauron and Alan Rickman approached the palm tree and gripped the trunk of it firmly.  
  
"Ready, Colonel Brandon?" Sauron queried, ready to shake the palm tree senseless, or just enough to get Fish and Sparrow from the tree... either way.  
  
Alan went red and let go of the tree that held Jack and Fish who were just observing the goings on below them.  
  
"My name is NOT Colonel Brandon, OKAY?!"  
  
"Whatever..." Sauron turned around. "Colonel Brandon." She mumbled. Alan stalked off once again in the direction of the forest. More Rum decided to explode at that moment and Alan didn't just stalk off, he more or less ran away screaming like a child to his 'hiding place'. (*snigger*)  
  
"Hey! Old Matey, get back here!" Captain Jack called after the man he understood to be called Alan, Sevvie-kins and Colonel Brandon... the guy also seemed to dislike the name 'Old Matey' too, as was apparent by the whimper of resignation that could be heard from somewhere in the forest... presumably from Mr Rickman.  
  
"SuperFish will find Sevvie-kins!" Fish stated in a very superhero voice. She let go of the palm tree and pushed away from it, into the air, ready to zoom off into the sky in a dramatic superhero pose but found out it was not possible for a Fish such as she to swim. She ended up on the ground, head stuck in the sand, looking like an Ostrich of some sort. Fish pulled her head from the sand with help from her assistant, Sauron, and began coughing and spluttering sand once again. "Ugh... my super powers are drained! I need more Rum!"  
  
"None left, Colonel Brandon blew it all up."  
  
Another echoing whimper from the forest reached their ears, as if the owner of the whimper could hear the words of Sauron.  
  
"Umm... hate to spoil he moment, but could you PLEASE get me down now?!" Captain Sparrow, forgotten in the tree, attempted to get the pair's attention.  
  
"Yeah, yeah... keep your knickers on or, in your case, Norrington's knickers." Fish said breezily up to Jack.  
  
"Those fan-fictions were not true! NOT TRUE I SAY!" Sauron cried out and whacked Fish over the head with a coconut, thus knocking her friend out with a sickening crack, I might add, as the coconut split on Fish's head. Fish landed face down in the sand again and would no doubt wake up with yet another mouthful of sand.  
  
"And just HOW are you planning on getting me down now, Charlotte?" Jack asked Sauron, knowing full well what his mistake was.  
  
"What did you call me?" She questioned the brave Captain who was already at risk from the various sea birds circling above him, searching for a target worthy of their little gifts just waiting to be dropped... Jack did not want to be (for lack of a better word) cacked on by a gull.  
  
"I called you Charlotte." He replied snarkily. "It is your name, is it not?"  
  
"Try flying out of the tree, 'cause I'm not helping you anymore!" And Sauron stomped off to devise a plan to put out the fire that had just started licking the tips of the trees that began the forest Mr Rickman was hiding away in.  
  
"Fine..." Jack muttered venomously to himself, "I'll get myself down and I'll do it WITHOUT flying!" And, having said that, he began to shimmy down the trunk of the tree. Unluckily for Jack, one of the birds had decided to open fire on the tree, not Jack, but IT made impact with the tree moments before Jack put his foot in the same place, thus causing the Pirate to slip on the fresh crap and end up on the floor on his backside. Poor Jack. He felt sorry for himself and sniffled pathetically.  
  
Suddenly, Fish brought her face out of the sand and saluted he tree opposite her, sand raining from her hair. Spitting sand everywhere with each word, she said: "I will come back alive, I trust you Ed!" And she lost consciousness once more, face in the sand once more. Either the concussion from the coconut was really that bad or the sun was getting to her... a lot.  
  
"If only I had more Rum..." Sparrow sighed before crawling to the shade, rubbing his bruised posterior back to life and curling up in a tiny ball to take a nap. He didn't realise just how vulnerable he looked to Sauron, who was observing him every so often when she was finally finished putting out the fire by way of the 'Big Leaf Filled With Sea-Water Thrown On To The Big Fire' plan.  
  
Alan was also curled up on the floor, but he was in a cave and not under a tree. It had been years since he had actually seen anybody else, having been sucked into the cinema screen oh-so-long-ago... it had been Charlotte's idea, he just went along after hearing the words: Sea, Sand, Rum, Coconuts and Grass Skirts...   
  
Maybe, Alan considered, if they helped each other, the three and Fish could get off of the island and find what they were looking for.  
  
Only, Mr Rickman had no clue as to what the three newcomers were searching for, but he knew what and who he was searching for...  
  
Her. 


	5. The many names of Alan Rickman and the t...

Alan whirled around, creating a huge sand cloud, and bent down to Fish's height, faces so near that their noses were almost touching.  
  
"ONE! I am not called 'Old Matey'." He pointed at Jack but never stopped staring into Fish's eyes. "TWO! I am not called 'Colonel Brandon'." He pointed to Sauron, once again not losing the eye contact (or nose contact) with Fish. "And THREE! I am NOT CALLED 'SEVVIE-KINS'!" He yelled at Fish who covered her ears, keeping their eyes and noses locked together. Odd...  
  
"Dude," began Sauron, "Colonel Brandon never got like THIS in the movie."   
  
"People change, Love." Jack said to Sauron with a wink, letting her know that the three simple words in fact had a rather naughty hidden meaning. "Isn't that right, Old Matey?"  
  
"Sevvie-kins," Fish addressed the now-steaming-at-the-ears-Alan Rickman in as casual a manner as one could possibly muster with their noses pressed together, "do you happen to have the time? My waterproof watch seems to have drowned." She explained, shaking the digital watch and breaking the eye and nose contact to stare in awe and wonder at the two streams of sand and water running from her lime-green and blue Nike digital 'waterproof' watch. She shook her wrist madly, attempting to clear the stuff inside the contraption and make it work, somehow managing to hit both herself and Mr Rickman in the face whilst in the process of doing so. Alan took a deep breath.  
  
"I am not Colonel Brandon," he said sounding surprisingly calm, "nor am I Old Matey or any mutations thereof... and I am NOT Sevvie-kins. It is four o'clock in the afternoon... Goodbye!" And with that, Alan stood up again and stormed off in a rather Snape-like manner... was he SURE he wasn't in fact Sevvie-kins?  
  
"Have a jolly spiffing walk, Colonel!" Sauron called after him.  
  
"Hey, Old Mate, or Matey, we'll drink Rum later, you and me!" Jack yelled in his gruff and sexy voice which caused Sauron to involuntarily shiver. Now, if only Fish were to run off...  
  
"Sevvie-kins!" Fish yelled and ran after Alan, who really could not be bothered to run from his stalker any longer.  
  
Sauron shuffled over to Jack and clasped her hands behind his neck, playing with his dreadlocks. She smiled devilishly and her eyes flashed deviously.  
  
"Ready for some fun?" she questioned.  
  
"What sort of fun?" He played along, acting completely innocent to her actions. He knew all too well what her cruel intentions were and would gladly go along with it - it had taken him so long to find somebody else to have 'fun' with, and the entire female population of Tortuga, save for Anamaria, seemed to loathe him now. He had no idea why. Getting laid was usually easy for a smooth talker such as he... then again, he was usually in control or paying. Now, it seemed the tables had been turned on him and Sauron was apparently at the reins - but not for long. "What sort of fun?" He repeated, startling the girl before him from her train of thought.   
  
"Well, it involves coconuts, the sea and a bit of wood shaped like a ruler of sorts... namely the superflex species."  
  
"Eh?"  
  
"It's a surprise, Love." She imitated him.  
  
"I don't like surprises!" Jack protested childishly.  
  
"Well, you're just going to have to miss out... and I was looking so forward to it... I wonder if Colonel Brandon is busy..." Sauron looked at the Pirate with her huge brown pleading puppy-dog eyes.  
  
"Fine! But no funny business until you've found all the necessary things you said you'd need, savvy?"  
  
"Found the sea." Sauron stated bluntly, looking over Jack's shoulder. She slid her hands form behind his back to his chest and playfully pushed him away before sauntering seductively off into the forest to find some coconuts... she would need a lot for what she had planned... and some vines... her plan -   
  
BONDAGE!  
  
(cue maniacal laughter from Shifter1)  
  
*~*~*~*  
  
She was there again... invading his dreams. There was no escape, no peace whatsoever.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow knew not of peace in mind, body and soul. He had awoken several times during the night - welcomed and enveloped in the stifling darkness of the island Eventually, Jack was lulled back into delicious unconsciousness by the sound of the waves, gently lapping the shore. Only when he was truly exhausted could he find peace.  
  
Only when he was truly exhausted would she let him be.  
  
Sauron had awoken along wit Jack and by Jack. She had been sleeping approximately two metres to his right. Whenever Jack was awakened by his nightmare, she could sense it, although he awoke quietly. Whenever he awoke suddenly, from his rotten dreams, he would voice a hoarse whisper, as though somebody's name was on his lips but refused to be properly vocalised.  
  
She worried for her Pirate, her troubled and sexy Pirate.  
  
Alan yawned and stretched from his position on the floor of the small cave he had slumbered peacefully in. His cave. His sanctuary from all danger... namely Fish. When Alan stretched, he found that something warm, breathing and alive was lying next to him. His initial reaction was of the 'I'm having a nightmare, a horrible, horrible nightmare' kind.  
  
It was Fish - warm, breathing, alive and asleep. Though she wasn't likely to stay that way forever.  
  
As if Fish had sensed Alan's haste to distance himself from her, she wrapped her arms around his middle and rested her head in the crook of his shoulder. Comfortable? She was indeed.  
  
Strangely, Alan found he was rather comfortable like that. He was like that, on the cave floor with her, when a thought struck him -  
  
What was Fish's name?  
  
Jack was awake and searching for more coconuts. Sauron, upon awakening a suspicious one and a half metres closer to the Captain, had requested more coconuts for her 'surprise' which she was saving for later. Jack gladly went in search of the fruits. For the first time in over fifteen years, he felt wanted.  
  
Sauron caught up with Jack and tossed him a ripe banana which he caught and nodded his thanks whilst peeling said yellow fruit.  
  
"So, how did you sleep last night?" Sauron casually questioned Jack.  
  
"Fine." He replied, a little too hastily.  
  
"No, you're lying - what kept awakening you so frequently, Jack?"  
  
"How did you-"  
  
"Two metres to your right - trying to sleep. Please answer my question, Jack. I'm worried for you."  
  
"It doesn't matter." He muttered, waving her question off with one of his wild gesticulations.  
  
"Yes, Jack, it does matter!" Sauron replied sternly, shaking Jack by the shoulders - true, he was stronger than her and could easily have moved away, but she frightened him and intrigued him to no end... there was just something about her. He considered telling her an outright lie which would be believable... but he couldn't think of anything, not with her so close.  
  
"Fine. You want the story?"  
  
"I want the truth - I'm trusting a dishonest man to be honest, savvy?" she cocked an eyebrow at him.  
  
"Wise words." He mumbled to her sincerely. Jack gave Sauron a half smile before leading her into the forest. They remained in a companionable yet awkward silence until they had reached a clearing and sat on the floor.  
  
"Begin your tale, Mighty Storyteller!" Sauron encouraged. Jack scowled.  
  
"Charlotte," a scowl to match his own, they looked like a pair of spoilt toddlers scowling at each other as they were, he ignored her scowl, "I need you to be serious, for me."  
  
"Okay." Sauron nodded her understanding, put on a straight face and wished she had a camera to capture Jack's, now pensive, expression.  
  
"It began about sixteen years ago, back when I was Captain of the Pearl. It was the twentieth of May, 1856. I remember it 'cause it's when I met her."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Charlotte Turner." He said bluntly and paused for a moment, as if remembering her.  
  
"Is that it?"  
  
"No... I met her on the Pearl - she'd come aboard while we was pillaging and plundering and more... I agreed to hide her... for a price."  
  
"What was the price?"  
  
"To become my own personal 'pleasurable company'."  
  
Sauron shuddered.  
  
"She agreed."  
  
Sauron shuddered again.  
  
"Anyways, I found out... must've been a month later that she was the daughter of old Bootstrap Bill Turner. I got pretty damn guilty after that... Old Will was one of the crew who trusted me and I trusted him... you know?"  
  
"Yeeeeeno... uh... no." Sauron said, nodding her head all the time.  
  
"well, Barbosa found out what my little secret concerning Miss Turner was, prying bastard, he decided to leave her at the next port. Bootstrap hadn't spoken with her - they didn't know who the other was."  
  
"So it was a wasted journey for her."  
  
"What are you implying?!" Jack looked at her as if she were insane. "Whatever. She contacted me once after that, since she knew where we were next going. she told me the basics about herself... seventeen, had a brother and wanted me to give a ring-" he brought up his right hand and pointed to his index finger "this ring, to William. I never did." Sparrow's face filled with guilt.  
  
"So, what's so special? What's this got to do with you waking up?"  
  
"She's dead. She's the one in my dreams - she haunts me... Charlotte Turner... I don't know how to make it go away." He confessed to having nightmares, voice cracking with all the emotion he had kept bottled up for years. Sauron pulled him into a tight embrace and encouraged the tears to come. She comforted him and whispered sweet nothings in his ear as he clamed. Still they stayed locked in their embrace. Sauron's shoulder was soaked from Jack's tears.  
  
But he did feel better.  
  
It was like that, wrapped in each others arms, that Sauron and Jack lay on the clearing floor and dozed off together to a place where there was no nightmare or accusing fingers pointing. They were at peace together...  
  
Well, Jack fell asleep immediately but, before Sauron dropped off, a thought hit her.  
  
His eyeliner has run on to my t-shirt...   
  
I LOVE THIS T-SHIRT! DAMMIT!!! NOW IT'S RUINED! RUINED I SAY!!! 


	6. community WHAT? dead? ga?

Sauron and her Captain had slept peacefully in each others arms for five hours, the time was approximately eleven o'clock at night. Jack blinked behind his closed eyelids before actually opening his eyes and blinking normally, yet dementedly, as his eyes adjusted to the light of the clearing. Then he recalled the conversation with Sauron concerning Charlotte Turner.  
  
He had not told her everything though...  
  
Mind racing, Jack soundlessly extricated himself from Sauron's embrace and slipped away into the darkness of the forest to take a moonlit beach walk and make the decision -  
  
Tell her, don't tell her... what to do?  
  
Perhaps Sevvie-kins, or Colonel Brandon, or 'that guy' knew a solution.  
  
"I need your help, Old Matey." He muttered, wondering exactly HOW the guy had ended up on the spit of land they were on in the first place.  
  
Before he reached the cave where Mr Rickman and Fish slumbered, Jack saw a rather nice looking palm tree - he had the urge... the urge to climb a palm tree... THAT palm tree... and it wasn't just any urge, it was a PIRATE URGE... one that had to be fulfilled or he would face the ultimate consequence.  
  
Though he never had actually suffered any consequences... but the palm tree was just there... and he just had to... it was just so...  
  
Heaving a sigh, Jack began to climb the 'bird cack free' palm tree - not that he was not on the look out for any birds, even if it was getting on for one o'clock in the morning.   
  
Fish awoke both next to and on Alan Rickman. She had, not surprisingly, fidgeted during the hours she and her dear 'Severus' were sound-o in the land of nod... never leaving the cave. Through her fidgeting, she had draped an arm across Alan's chest and her right leg over his right leg, she had also ended up with her head on his stomach... fully awake, but so sinfully comfortable that she did not move an inch, a thought struck her -  
  
Severus Snape had stopped breathing...   
  
She put her ear to his stomach and listened hard... nope, no heartbeat...  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-" And Inhale again "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... one... two... three... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Fish cried dramatically, now on her knees before Alan, shaking her fist threateningly at the stalactites on the ceiling of the cave.  
  
Jack heard a strange sort of cry from his post in the palm tree which was, fortunately for Captain Sparrow, crap free. The decidedly odd noise of distress had come from the direction of Colonel Brandon, Severus Snape, 'that guy' and Fish's cave... Jack slid down the trunk of the tree and hit the ground running... in the wrong direction. Righting his route, Jack began to sprint to the cave where the cries were coming from.  
  
When Captain Sparrow arrived at the cave, Fish was weeping in one of the many corners of the cave.  
  
"What is it?" Jack asked her softly.  
  
"He's... gone..." she managed before bursting into another fit of strangled sobbing.  
  
"It's not possible!"   
  
"He's not breathing!" She cried out dramatically, between sobs, of course.  
  
"Hmmm... you're right..." Jack confirmed, bringing his ear away from the stomach of the apparently deceased actor, "but how - when-" he began but paused to consider causes of death, "what did you do now?" He questioned, looking sceptically at her through his dark eyes.  
  
"I fell asleep?" Jack raised an eyebrow, he knew that wasn't all of it. "On him."  
  
"Too much information!" Jack cried out, waving his arms at her in a gesture that silently screamed 'Eeeew!'.  
  
"Okay..." she mumbled before resuming the mourning of her favourite Wizard.  
  
"It's not all that bad..." Jack began - he obviously knew how Fish felt because his voice was breaking up... Fish looked up at him with watery eyes.  
  
Sauron awoke with no warm-sexy-Pirate-body next to her - she worried... so she decided to go look for him.  
  
Maybe he'd just gone to find more coconuts - she had figured out that forty-six were needed to carry out her plan of bondage. Forty-six coconuts-worth of coconut juice, a piece of wood with the properties of a flexi-ruler and Jack Sparrow... Sauron nearly melted at the delicious imagery she was getting from just thinking of her master-Jack-plan. Giggling to herself, Sauron continued her search for Captain Jack Sparrow.  
  
It was two hours later and well into the early morning, five o'clock perhaps, that she heard it -   
  
Sobbing... a man and a girl. Jack and Fish - but what were they sobbing about? Was Colonel Brandon there?  
  
Sauron emerged from the darkness of the forest and came across a most unusual sight...  
  
Jack Sparrow and Fish were... hugging? Not like Sauron and Jack had, and they were crying... but they were still HUGGING! Colonel Brandon was on the floor... he looked dead.  
  
"Sauron!" The teary eyed Fish and Jack wailed together before resuming their consoling of each other.  
  
"Poor... Old Mate... dead..." Jack sniffled.  
  
"I woke up and and and..."  
  
And Sparrow and Fish cried more... and HUGGED MORE Sauron noted jealously...  
  
Sauron laughed then. Alan's eyes suddenly snapped open and he sat bolt upright from his position on the floor.  
  
"GAGH!" Cried Fish in terror, clinging on to the sleeve of an equally afraid Jack. "ZOMBIE!" And she and the Pirate Captain ran like the wind to the other side of the island. They ran as far away as possible from the apparently terrifying Zombie-Old-Matey-Sevvie-kins-Colonel-Brandon-Type-Guy-Thing, convinced he was coming for them.  
  
They were half-right.  
  
Alan Rickman was not a 'Zombie', as he had explained to Sauron who had not run away. He was just an abnormally deep sleeper.  
  
"Really? You slept through THAT?!" She practically yelled at him.  
  
"Yeah... I woke up half-way through... I think."  
  
"Whoa... I mean, that's something to sleep through!"  
  
"Yes, I suppose it is."  
  
"You SUPPOSE?! It's like... the ultimate declaration of togetherness and love and you sleep through it?!"  
  
"Well-" Alan began, only to be cut off by Sauron's ranting.  
  
"That's terrible... you only had to sit there anyways!"  
  
"Weddings aren't that exciting."  
  
"I know- WEDDINGS? Oh! We're talking about weddings... I thought we were talking about community..." Sauron trailed off.  
  
"Go on." He encouraged, eyeing her suspiciously.  
  
"Erm... community... singing, heh, yeah... that's it!"  
  
"Of course." Alan muttered, still eyeing her suspiciously.  
  
"Anyways, I'll go back to Fish and umm... explain using your example about community sex... I mean singing... I mean weddings! I mean OKAY! I mean SO GOOD! GAGH! POSSUUUUUUUUUM!"  
  
"SYRUUUUUUUUP!" Alan growled.  
  
"HEY! You know the site?!"  
  
"Who doesn't?!"  
  
"An excellent point."  
  
"I know." Mr Rickman replied smugly.  
  
"Yeah, well, I'm going to go find Jish and Fack, I mean Fish and Gack... umm... the others... to tell them about your tough life full of sex... I mean deep sleep syndrome... stuff! Heh... I'm gone."  
  
And she was gone. She was also embarrassed... oh so very embarrassed.  
  
"Sex? Where the hell did she get that from?" Alan wondered as he stood in the spot he had been standing in for the past hour and a half. His legs could do with a nice relaxing massage.  
  
Lowering himself into a sitting position on the sandy beach just outside the cave, Alan watched the sun rise over the horizon of nothingness. A few gulls had already begun their traditional ritual of early morning shrieking. Mr Rickman grabbed a nearby giant umbrella-like leaf and shielded himself from the gull-droppings raining on and around him.  
  
It was the simple things that made life hell. Alan knew this and would gladly sue anybody who caused the simple things to occur.  
  
Fish and Jack stared blankly at Sauron, who had somehow managed to explain to them that Alan, Sevvie-kins, Colonel Brandon, 'That Guy' or Old Mate (choices, choices...) was not in fact a Zombie, and that he suffered from deep sleep problems - Jack's face was blank and Fish's face was filled with concern.  
  
"So, what's this about community sex?" Jack queried with a rather boyish grin on his face.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Well, it's just that every other word was replaced with 'community sex'... I'm just curious."  
  
Sauron, not actually realising what she had said, could have died from the embarrassment there ad then - she didn't though, the main reason being that the author had too many plans for Sauron and Jack and also that Sauron would kill Fish if she got both Jack AND Alan. Not that Fish would mind.  
  
So, not being allowed to kill Sauron, the author did the next best thing...  
  
Sauron fainted and hit the sandy beach with a muffled 'thud'. Fish imitated the thud with her own sound effects   
  
Alan, though nowhere near Jack, Fish and the unconscious Sauron, burst out laughing , still sitting in the spot watching the sun which had now risen fully. Why was he laughing?!  
  
Jack scooped Sauron into his strong arms and took her to the shade of a nearby cluster of palm trees. Sauron was still unconscious, eve after Jack yelled at her and prodded her stomach multiple times. Even after Fish had splashed sea water all over her face and hit her over the head with a coconut, she remained unconscious. So it was a good thing that Alan Rickman turned up and physically restrained Fish from causing anymore damage to Sauron.  
  
"You'll have to give her CPR." Fish said breezily to Jack from her awkward position with Mr Rickman.  
  
"CPR?! She's still breathing!" Alan yelled at her.  
  
"No, duh... mouth to mouth then." Fish rolled her eyes at the oh-so-intelligent-at-the-moment actor  
  
"CPR?! What in the name of all that is holy is C...P...R?!" Jack blurted suddenly in a high pitched and girly voice. He sounded remarkably like a sissy (HAHA! Jack the sissy! *ducks random flying kitchenware thrown by Sauron*)  
  
"Well..." began Fish.  
  
Twenty minutes later and five complex diagrams in the sand later, Jack was readying himself for giving the STILL unconscious Sauron mouth to mouth resuscitation...  
  
His mouth descended on hers and, through some miracle, Sauron was conscious and had wrapped her arms around the sexy Pirates neck. She waved at Fish and Mr Rickman so they would hopefully get the message and clear off. Alan did, but Fish just stood and gawked.   
  
"So THAT'S how it's done! Sevvie-kins take notes! We'll need this for later!" Fish commanded, stopping Alan dead in his tracks. She tossed a small black notepad and red pencil at Rickman and pointed at the floor beside her when she had seated herself.  
  
Jack and Sauron were kissing feverishly, both frantically groping at each others bodies. Fish's eyes were wide as she observed. Jack and Sauron rolled over and continued to kiss in a wild frenzy, making demented looking sand angels in the sand. Fish looked at Alan and grinned craftily and slid along the sand next to him. Then Sauron started slapping Jack's back, causing him to stop his assault on her mouth. She pointed behind them, Jack turned to see Fish looking rather engrossed in what she was watching and Alan who was scribbling down random notes on what he had observed. Jack 'ahemmed' and pulled Sauron with him into a standing position, fingers laced together. Fish observed them curiously. Jack whispered something to Sauron and then ran off, giggling, into the forest.  
  
Fish, realising that she was not actually supposed to follow the pair, decided to do the next best thing. she pounced on the unsuspecting actor next to her and began stroking his hair and whispering proclamations of love in his ear... poor defenceless Alan Rickman knew not of what to do next... 


End file.
